As the Aziz Ansari story made its way onto the headlines, I couldn’t shake off the feeling that it was one of those things that was just bound to happen. It’s nothing against Mr. Ansari himself, whose work I happen to both adore and enjoy, but rather just my personally grim view that all nice things will eventually be spoiled one way or another.
Over the weekend, online publication Babe published a story detailing a date between the Golden Globe-winning “Master of None” star and an anonymous young photographer identified as “Grace.” In it, Grace describes her meeting with Mr. Ansari, how they exchanged number and eventually went on a date, which later became “the worst night” of her life.
A lot of people took to Twitter, Facebook and lengthy opinion pieces to voice their reactions, many of whom seem to suggest that the story is not at the same caliber with the #MeToo movement, and is a public character assassination of one of Hollywood’s “good guys.”
In her opinion piece for the New York times, Bari Weiss argued that that Mr. Ansari’s exposé is the worst thing that has happened to the movement, and said that it “transforms what ought to be a movement for women’s empowerment into an emblem for female helplessness.”
I don’t have to tell you that a lot of people are in agreement with Ms. Weiss, and quite understandably so.
There’s a thread in Grace’s story that can be construed as a lack of agency, though perhaps not as a result of coercion from Mr. Ansari but rather because Grace did not manage to be more assertive about what she wants or otherwise, resorting instead to “verbal and nonverbal cues to indicate how uncomfortable and distressed she was.”
People are outraged because they view this as a derailment of a very important movement to fight rampant sexual abuse, and I can see why they’d think that if they take the story “at face value.”
Dating is a strange and difficult process, even when we’re supposed to think of it as fun and harmless. People have all kinds of experiences when it comes to dating, which range from decent, good, bad, and all the more nuanced experiences in between, which can lie on either side of the spectrum.
It’s easy to dismiss Grace’s story as an example of a lousy date, which just so happens to involve a famous actor and now lumped together with a much bigger conversation, but that seems to defy the spirit from which many women across the globe are taking a stand and speaking up against inappropriate behavior.
If we are to discuss Grace’s story as an example of female helplessness, then we are all missing the point of the #MeToo movement.
Her experience bears much of the same symptoms, prompting us to wonder why we live in a society where women feel like they have to endure uncomfortable things and why they feel like they are silenced (it goes without saying that some men also go through these struggles). These instances do not always happen as a result of an abuse of power, but often manifests itself as the result of a patriarchal system that is so deeply internalized and normalized for many people.
The sort of behavior alleged against Mr. Ansari is more common than people would like to admit, and while it may not constitute sexual misconduct in the legal sense and may not hold in court, it does illustrate a cultural problem in the way we interact and forces us to reflect on the conversations we need to be having. Here’s the truth — so many things are often left unsaid. The seemingly simple act of speaking up is actually a struggle for a lot of people, and we need to be better in encouraging one another and creating those safe spaces.
When the #MeToo movement began in October last year, it forces people to rethink about their words and conduct in professional settings. It raised a much-needed awareness that women are victims of appalling sexual assault in the workplace and that they have long been silenced to protect men at the top.
It never once occurred to me that the #MeToo movement was confined to encounters at the workplace, but it seems clear enough now that people are reluctant to have a discussion about the more ordinary interactions we have — say, when we date — because it adds a whole other dimension to what’s already pretty complex.
The comments have all been too revealing: people don’t like the idea that we’re enforcing the same ideals on personal relationships, because everything has been oh-so-peachy on that front. (It’s not.)
Plus, what would then become of flirting? That little give and take in the art of seduction? And many more concerns will follow. After all, didn’t we just read how a hundred French women, including actor Catherine Deneuve, penned a letter on how the #MeToo movement is a “witch-hunt” against men and threatened sexual freedom?
It’s almost too much to have to point out that the more important question is this: how can we be better, together? In my opinion, that is the main takeaway from Grace’s story that we should all try to solve together.
For many people, the story is not unfamiliar. I’ll direct you to Giselle Au-Nhien Nguyen’s piece on Junkee, in which she shared her own similar experience and reminds us that yes, there is a difference between “okay, fine” and “yes.”
Ms. Nguyen’s story, like Grace’s, is one of countless others out there. It’s a little too ordinary that it hits home for a lot of people, and speaks to a larger problem. It is indeed possible to feel like you’re being forced to do something you don’t want to do in a non-threatening setting, even when the person you’re with is actually nice by societal standards and not a monster.
The #MeToo movement isn’t, and shouldn’t only be, about the criminalization of sexual misconduct. It is a platform for criticism and a wake-up call for humanity on the fact that yes, have a problematic culture surrounding sex, dating and relationships, and it is wholly up to us to address it together. Must we be satisfied with the status quo, without so much ever attempting to challenge the narrative? If we can improve the workplace, then surely we can also evoke change outside of it.
